Sunday, January 25, 2009

Bittersweet papers

We've already sort of announced (to family and on Facebook) that we're starting the adoption process to adopt Critter #2 from Thailand. We've even started mentioning it in sidebar information on this blog. But I haven't brought myself to blog about it yet.

I'm excited that our paperwork is nearly completed (this week we hope to send our dossier for state certification and then authentication at the Thai Embassy). If all goes well, our dossier could even be on it's way to Thailand by the time T's adoption is finalized. I'm excited by the chance to add a critter to our family. I would love to have another child to snuggle and read to and dance with and teach things to. I can also see T's enthusiasm in all he does increase when there are more people around. I get the feeling he is a BIG FAMILY kind of kid. I would love him to have a sibling to tear around the house with. An added bonus - if Grandma's baking remains constant, the number of cookies they each receive would be cut in half from current levels! =)

But a big part of me feels sad about the stack of official papers on my dining room table. The current wait to receive a referral from our agency is really long. Really, really long. I'm fine with the wait. I am lucky this time around to have T to keep me busy. What makes me sad is the thought that, with the wait so long, it is extremely likely (almost certain) that our child has not yet been conceived. I feel like some kind of reverse time traveler who knows that an event will bring someone pain but am powerless to stop it. (And if I could stop it, I would cause my future child never to exist or at least to never know me, which makes me feel not only sad but also guilty for feeling sad.)

If only I knew who this birthmother was going to be. If I could somehow provide her with some kind of assistance, something, perhaps she could avoid an unplanned pregnancy or make arrangements to be able to parent her child. Obviously I can't see the future, and I can't change the circumstances of the (unfortunately) many women in the world who will decide they are unable to parent to their children. But nonetheless I feel a little sad getting in line for a child that doesn't yet exist.

I look at the picture of T's birthmom every day. I often wish I could share the funny things T says and does with her. That she could see how fast he's growing into a little boy she can be very proud of. That she knows how lucky we feel that he's part of our family. I love T with all my heart, and I cannot imagine my life without him as much as I cannot imagine her life without him.



Nichole and Craig said...

Congratulations guys. Good luck with journey number 2.

Charlene said...

The world is a mean place, full of things we do not understand no matter our level of education.If T and his soon to be sibling know that you love them then consider your life full and your education complete. Thank you for the journey you have given us. YOU the BRAVE, YOU the THOUGHTFUL, YOU, WIFE, MOTHER, DAUGHTER, SISTER, YOU EVER THOUGHTFUL

Grandpa Bug
P.S. Cookies anyone

Rachel said...

Robin, we haven't adopted, but I understand what you mean. Our current situation means we need to delay our adoption, but there is not a day when I do not think about the birthmother of our child - how she has no idea that in a few years (or sooner - who knows? We are open to an older child so maybe sooner) she is going to become pregnant with a child that she will not be able to raise. It really is bittersweet.

Congratulations on starting the process for #2! That is a monumental step all in itself.

Jessica said...

Congratulations! I started following your blog when you were at T's referral process. How fun that you're now part of the waiting journey with the rest of us.

Glen and Andrea said...

Congratulations! We LONG to start another adoption from Thailand but are not allowed to for 1 more year from now! Crazy, considering the YEARS it takes us NZer's. H will be long off to school (at least 5 or 6 yrs old) by the time we will be able to travel again.

I have often had similar thoughts to the ones you describe. When H was first with us, I would wish he had had the chance to be with his birth family. But we adopted him long after he was placed for adoption. I have to remind myself that us filing paperwork does not mean that someone has to give up there baby. That might not make sense to those who haven't done it, I guess.


Jen and Jeff said...

Congrats on going for baby #2! I know how you feel about everything. I felt the same way for months before we found out who our daughter is and realized she had already been born.

Anonymous said...

congrats starting your journey to your second child Gem x

Melissa May said...

I have also often felt that adoption is such a bittersweet thing... I remember feeling so many of those same emotions when we were working on our paperwork and waiting for our referral... Even though it isn't really logical, it's just one of those things that happens when you're already so emotionally involved with someone who isn't even conceived yet on the other side of the world. Complicated, bittersweet stuff.

Anonymous said...

Hey Robin, I think you have just managed to put into words the thoughts and feelings of most Adoptive parents. I have never been able to quite articulate what you just wrote about, but you touched every sentiment I have ever felt about our children and their birthparents. Sometimes it's just to emotional to go down that road, but boy you hit the nail on the head with this post.
We came quite close (I think) to almost meeting our Son's BM last year, but it it just didn't pan out in the end; I remember NE asking me what I would do when I saw her and I told him that I would hold her tight and give her the biggest hug (Didn't mention that I would also probably be bawling my eyes out with love and gratitude for her brave choice and unimaginable gift to us).
Thanks for your post, it hit home hard for me, and provided a little relief in some way, for what I have not yet been able to put into words. T sure is a lucky little guy!
BTW - I love being able to check your blog again, you guys write so well and with such detail, humor and feeling. Thanks so much for sharing!

Chris, Terri, Matt and Mark said...

First of all - congratulations on the paper pushing! It's odd to think you are in line with us as I've been reading your adoption blog for a year now...

Secondly, as so many have already said, I get it. I have spent the last year wondering about this little child who may or may not be born and days where I think is this the day her mom chooses adoption? And I thank God everyday that she was brave enough, strong enough to make this choice. This choice gives me a daughter and leaves her wondering about her daughter for the rest of her life. I hope God reassures her that Mia will be showered in love.


Hannah said...

Congrats on starting the process again! Jesse's birthday is coming up and I've been thinking about his birthmother more and more (not like I don't think of her everyday!). I write her letters and send pictures in hopes that one day she might reply (or even read them)...but it's hard to describe this little person our baby has become.

These women are so brave - I hope they have someone who explains to them what a wonderful gift they give to us moms on this side of things.